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| Ornament made by Glenda for Connor. She says it's to match his heart of gold. |
It's been a while since the last post. Yes, this one looks lengthy but take a moment to read it and I believe you'll leave with a smile.
Last year in October my son's father and I divorced. Don't worry, no airing of dirty laundry here and no need to run clicking away to
the next site just yet. There's a story from last December I'd like to share with you. It's a Christmas story of sorts...........
It was the first Christmas season after the divorce. Naturally the dynamics and finances of life were very different for the first time in 15 years. I told myself it was no big deal. After all, we had never filled the living room with presents because it just seemed to be overkill. The holiday isn't supposed to be about gifts anyhow. Little did I know, emotions would soon pounce me unannounced.
On this particular day, the day after Christmas, I was to take my son to the airport so he could fly to Hawaii with his dad and grandpa for vacation. As we got into the car, I decided I'd forgotten something. He waited in the car and I went back in the house. I knew I hadn't forgotten anything except possibly my ever loving mind. I began to cry. I stalled for time by going to the restroom. Looking for my phone. Checking on the dog. Anything to make those tears go away. Make it so he didn't see his mom crying.
Whew. Okay. Deep breath. A couple tissues. And I went back out to the garage. Only to be met on the steps by my son. I silently told myself not to look up. To just step down those two stairs, get into the car and drive to the airport. This turned out to be impossible because no matter if I stepped left or stepped right this 15-year old kid kept stepping in front of me. I knew he was there because I had a clear view of his shoes as my watery eyes watched my own footing. I turned to go back in the house again, for "something". That's when I heard him say, "Mom, what's wrong?....Mom?". Aw, hell, he's a bright kid and I was being ridiculous trying to hide. Yet I still told him nothing was wrong and we should get going. He stepped in front of me, putting his hand gently on my shoulder. He repeated himself, "Mom?", with a worried tone.
As parents, I believe we shield our children from those things in life which we feel they don't need to deal with or know. Things we, as adults, instead choose to handle deep inside our own hearts and minds. I was wrestling with thoughts and feelings my heart told me were 100% completely unfounded yet for some reason the tears still fell! In a split second that lasted an eternity, I debated the merits of my son knowing what I was feeling. It was sink or swim, win or lose, right or wrong, screw it up or get it right. Then, as if announced by trumpets, my inner Mom kicked in. I decided speaking my mind was right, that above all else I know my son.
I looked up at him. Took another breath. Then said, "I can't take you on a trip to Hawaii. Can't take you scuba diving. I can't buy you a new hunting rifle {his dad had gotten him one}. I'd like to give you an amazing Christmas but I can't and......". At this point, he hugged me. He stepped back, placed a hand on each of my shoulders, made sure he had eye contact and calmly, caringly said, "Mom. I don't care about those things. I care about YOU. I love YOU. And my TIME with you is special to me. (slight pause still with eye contact) You know that. Things aren't what make me happy. Having a mom like YOU makes me happy and I love our time together. Do you understand? Come on, you know that (tiny grin, eye twinkle)". Naturally, I cried again. Tears of joy at the awesomeness of this boy who has always, beyond the shadow of a doubt, had a heart of gold. He was right. I did know "things" don't matter yet I wanted so much for that Christmas to be special. Little did I know how special it would be in that moment.
He went off to Hawaii that night and had a wonderful time. In fact, here it is Christmas one year later and he left with his dad for Hawaii a few hours ago. Only this year, there were no tears. This year was filled with contentment at knowing, as we've always known, that the gifts under the tree don't matter. My gift doesn't fit beneath the tree; it never will. It's almost 6' tall with a laugh to light up a room and the inherent ability to always make my heart smile. Always! Nothing, absolutely nothing, gift-wrapped or under a tree beats this.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday filled with those special people and moments to make your own heart smile!
